Ethan used to carry a quiet, building resentment toward Ali and it leaked out sideways. When he thought she disliked his clothing or style, he defended himself with a raised voice and sarcasm. He told himself he was just joking, but Ali experienced those moments as being repeatedly put down. Now he can see how those comments slowly eroded the safety and warmth between them.
When Ali asked him to stop, Ethan dug in. Part of him felt something like this in his mind, "If Ali can say she prefers that I get a different pair of glasses, why can I not keep my joking tone." He did not recognize how deeply his sarcasm and eye rolling were hurting her. They never really got to sit down and talk honestly about these moments or what they meant to each of them. Ethan was afraid that if he gave too much ground, he would lose respect and disappear in the relationship. Ali was growing more anxious that things were becoming impossible to save. Looking back, Ethan can see how often his humor came from fear and defensiveness, not from love.
If he ever had another chance, Ethan would still use humor, but differently. He would use it to soften hard moments, not to win and not to hide his own hurt. He would notice when a joke lands badly and repair in the moment instead of doubling down.
He has also learned that better communication starts with better listening. It is not about staying silent and waiting for a turn to talk. If Ali were sharing how frustrated she felt about her job, in the past Ethan might have jumped in with advice or told her she was overreacting. Now he understands how powerful it would have been to reflect back what he heard and check if he got it right. He might say, "So you are feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated there. Did I understand you." That alone could have helped her feel less alone.
When Ali told Ethan she felt disappointed after seeing him roll his eyes while she was teaching him tennis, he brushed it off. He thought he was being playful and she felt disrespected. Ethan now understands how common this mismatch is. One person believes they are being lighthearted while the other feels talked down to. In that moment he also secretly felt patronized by her instruction, so he smirked and rolled his eyes instead of saying so directly. None of that was helpful.
Today Ethan wishes he had responded differently. He would thank Ali for telling him about that specific moment, acknowledge that it hurt, and take responsibility. He might say, "I see why that felt disrespectful. I am sorry. I do not want you to feel that way with me." He has learned that the key is to communicate respectfully no matter what his partner says or does, instead of using her behavior as a reason to lower his own standards.
He also sees how fast things can snowball. If one person refuses to pause and de escalate, small hurts pile up into something that feels impossible to repair. One practice Ethan has committed to is stopping himself in the middle of a hard conversation and asking a simple question in his mind, "What is it like for Ali to hear this from me right now." Often the answer is that the other person is just as uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation as he is.
Ethan now holds himself to a simple internal standard he calls HUVA, which stands for Heard, Understood, Valued, and Added value. After an interaction he asks himself whether his partner is likely to have felt heard, understood, valued, and whether he has added value to what they shared. That might mean reflecting feelings instead of debating facts, noticing the courage it took for them to speak up, or gently seeing a strength in them that they cannot yet see in themselves.
He cannot change what happened between him and Ali. He can change how he shows up in every relationship that follows, with less defensiveness, more curiosity, and a deeper commitment to helping the people he loves feel safe, heard, and truly valued.
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