Once upon a time, Ethan and Ali, a couple in their thirties, were dating across the Bay. They carved out weekends for each other whenever they could. They loved each other deeply. Ali had been a traveling occupational therapist, and Ethan was a former surgeon now pouring himself into medical device and digital health startups.
The problem was, they had been dreaming very different dreams.
Ethan had always wanted to travel with someone he loved. He had already been to 194 out of 195 countries, mostly alone. Now that he had met Ali, he felt that all those solo journeys could finally turn into shared adventures. He imagined them capturing photos together all over the world. For the first time, it felt like he had found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
Ali, in her own way, held a similar dream, but with a different center of gravity. She had traveled around the United States to be near nature. She grew up in a modest family and was always quietly afraid of being poor. Her dream was to have enough money to buy a large piece of land. Her parents had moved to Vermont for a generation, and she grew up in a home where she was loved and held. She imagined traveling through the great American landscapes with Ethan, but when she pictured a future home, it probably was not in California.
You can see the problem.
Most of the startups Ethan admired are built in the San Francisco Bay Area, and he had not yet “made it” in his career. How were they supposed to fit these dreams together? They were not opposites, but they rubbed against each other in painful ways. Ethan could not bear the idea of losing the relationship, yet they started fighting more often, about other things on the surface. Those arguments began to carry resentment and contempt in a way they never had before. They circled around the real issue but never quite dug down into it.
Ethan could have let Ali influence him more, and Ali could have done the same. A key question for him might have been: How do I help protect her path toward her dream? What are the obstacles, and how can I help remove them? We want to move with our partners, not against them. Because of how we are socialized and the messages we receive about masculinity and femininity from birth, many men struggle more with accepting influence than women do.
Ethan had been fighting that influence. Ali loved to camp, and Ethan hated the cold. When Ali shared her love of nature, he often came off as distant or dismissive, telling himself he needed to be strong and not easily persuaded. Deep down he wanted to say yes, but his insecurity got in the way. He did not want to give up power or control in that moment, so he became the rock Ali eventually learned to go around. In the end, that stance did not protect his power at all, it left him feeling powerless and without influence.
The crucial thing to remember is that there are many possible solutions to this kind of conflict. Ethan and Ali are teammates, not opponents. If he had the chance again, he might ask, What is truly best for us? How can Ali trust that he cares about her goals and dreams and will try to make them real? Rebuilding trust and commitment is possible at any point. It starts small: a casual conversation, open-ended questions, exploring each other’s dreams without judgment. Over time, those conversations can restore trust and a sense of partnership. Honoring both of their needs and dreams is not just idealistic, it is the only way forward if they are going to build a life together.
No comments:
Post a Comment