November 16th, 2025 Reflections

My dearest Ali,

It is almost your favorite time of the year, the holidays.

I have been thinking back to us, to how our laughter radiated rainbows, how easy it was to dream together, to the big hikes, and the way we complemented each other. It felt like every moment we had was quality time. I loved you when I met you. You tended to our garden and kept it well watered. With you, I had a rare sense of belonging. When you were at your wits' end, I still told myself we were perfectly fine. I am so sorry, I was a novice who had little idea how to take restorative action. Since then, I have been changing how I show up: I have read nineteen books (I am on my 20th) and I lead a weekly support group on healthy and effective communication as we navigate challenges in our dating lives. I looked for help, for someone with the wisdom and experience to look at my system. In the end, I think I found it in the many books I read. I know what to do now, even though progress is imperfect. This work is making me kinder to everyone. Your example taught me more than any book, and I am practicing on a good trajectory. Thank you for everything you brought into my life. You drew so much curiosity and courage out of me.

When I was reading the love maps section in the Gottman books, I kept thinking of all of the questions I wish I had asked you. If you were to move, where would you really want to live? What else in your life was upsetting you? What felt missing, and could I help fill that space? What were you excited about lately? I see something in you when you sing. Your voice feels like a goddess's. Why didn't you want to sing more? Could you ever let me into that part of you?

I remember wondering if you would laugh if I called you “savior of the world” or “your grace,” and when you said you did not think I liked dogs, I secretly thought, “Is this her imagining a long future together? Should we get a dog soon? Then my insecurity jumped in and told me to hold back. I wondered if you wanted to go to Europe this year, what you want for our future kids, would they sleep in the same bed and steal all the sheets like me, how you felt about public versus private schools, about daycare, about having date nights with a babysitter at home. I wondered what subjects they might love and what core values we would want them to have. What would we pass on from each of us? I had so many questions for you. I wanted to talk to you forever. There was and still is so much more.

I am learning to move on now, and at the same time, a part of me will always hold a gentle space for you. With that door open, I still believe we could do it, Ali. And if we never get that chance, I truly wish the best for you. I want you to fall in love again. I want you to have joy with your children on a big piece of land, running through a field of flowers, with a kind man who knows his flowers better than I did. You helped me grow into the best version of myself I have known. Because of you, I will be a better partner, a better husband, and a better father someday.

I wish you a calm, happy season and big smiles. Thank you for what we had and for what you shared with me. No reply needed. I respect your space, your pace, and your peace. If it ever feels right to you to connect again, I'd like that.