November 21st, 2025 I know now why you cry, Ali

You wanted so much to believe I was the one, and every time I made us feel uncertain, you suffered. I am sorry I let you down.

I wish I had understood what I’m about to write while we were still together.

Chapter: They Don’t Blame Each Other for Their Problems

Ethan and Ali blamed each other.

Ali blamed Ethan for the emotional, anxious months they were together. Ethan believed Ali should seek counsel, because he thought she had always carried these struggles. In that dynamic, neither of them took full responsibility for how much pain Ali was in. There were times when Ethan felt unfairly blamed, and instead of looking inward, he slipped into pointing out her flaws.

Today, Ethan is grateful for the time they had together, and he sees more clearly what he needs to do differently in any relationship:

1. Pause when blame spirals start.

When he feels defensive or wrongly accused, he needs to catch himself before reacting and ask, “What part is mine here?”

2. Take responsibility, not hide behind excuses.

Explanations can give context, but they must not become shields. He needs to own his contribution to the hurt, even when he didn’t create the entire problem.

3. Work with his partner, not against her.

Instead of treating conflict like a courtroom trial, he needs to treat it like a shared problem two people are trying to solve side by side.

4. Stop recruiting allies.

Collecting people on “his side” during arguments only deepens divisions. The core work belongs between him and his partner; outside opinions should not be weapons.

There is a flawed belief that we are only responsible for the problems we directly create. That is not how partnership works. In a relationship, both people are responsible for the emotional climate they share.

Ethan wants to be a positive force that contributes to happiness, even in situations he did not start. Instead of obsessing over whether he is responsible for A, B, or C, the better question is:

“How can I contribute to our healing right now?”

That is what truly matters. He wants more positive and productive conversations, where both people share responsibility and a concerted plan to grow.