Ethan is reading Chapter 4 of 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do today and something clicked for him. He realized that, in their relationship, Ali often had to abandon her own needs and put the relationship’s needs first. Ali was a kind woman. She made healthy sacrifices with joy at the beginning, but over time Ethan didn’t fully acknowledge or validate how much she was giving. He believed couples were meant to sacrifice for each other and he was happy to sacrifice himself, but he didn’t see clearly that Ali might have felt like she was carrying most of the load while her partner wasn’t doing enough.
Ethan wishes he could explore this more. He imagines Ali might have had thoughts like:
Unrealistic thought: “He will never change.”
More realistic thought: “Sometimes people can change, especially if I ask for what I need.”
Unrealistic thought: “I cannot tell him what I want, because he’ll only do it to save the relationship.”
More realistic thought: “I can still choose to be honest, give him a choice, and see over a trial period whether any change is real and sustainable.”
A powerful example from the book describes how many people say, “This is such a big mess, it’s going to take me all night to clean,” instead of simply saying, “Can you help me clean this up?” Ethan and Ali were not mind readers. Without clearly stating what the need was, both were left guessing what would actually help.
According to Andrea Bonior, the biggest predictor of success is whether the person holding the resentment can be vulnerable in talking about it. Ethan sees now how often Ali was carrying frustration and resentment. He, in turn, felt judged and helpless to change, which kept the cycle going. For things to improve, they would have needed to be truly motivated to talk openly and work on it together.
They would have had to ask: Are we really allowing the other person to try to make amends and make things more equitable? Because sometimes you cannot heal from anger or resentment if you feel your partner does not “get it,” does not understand your viewpoint, and does not validate it. When that happens, it can feel like you have every reason to be resentful and that the other person can never fully make up for it.
This reflection is Ethan’s attempt to understand Ali’s side more deeply, to own his part in it, and to learn how to show up differently in the future. He hopes he will have the chance to explore this with her directly.
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