November 21st, 2025 I know now why you cry, Ali

You wanted so much to believe I was the one, and every time I made us feel uncertain, you suffered. I am sorry I let you down.

I wish I had understood what I’m about to write while we were still together.

Chapter: They Don’t Blame Each Other for Their Problems

Ethan and Ali blamed each other.

Ali blamed Ethan for the emotional, anxious months they were together. Ethan believed Ali should seek counsel, because he thought she had always carried these struggles. In that dynamic, neither of them took full responsibility for how much pain Ali was in. There were times when Ethan felt unfairly blamed, and instead of looking inward, he slipped into pointing out her flaws.

Today, Ethan is grateful for the time they had together, and he sees more clearly what he needs to do differently in any relationship:

1. Pause when blame spirals start.

When he feels defensive or wrongly accused, he needs to catch himself before reacting and ask, “What part is mine here?”

2. Take responsibility, not hide behind excuses.

Explanations can give context, but they must not become shields. He needs to own his contribution to the hurt, even when he didn’t create the entire problem.

3. Work with his partner, not against her.

Instead of treating conflict like a courtroom trial, he needs to treat it like a shared problem two people are trying to solve side by side.

4. Stop recruiting allies.

Collecting people on “his side” during arguments only deepens divisions. The core work belongs between him and his partner; outside opinions should not be weapons.

There is a flawed belief that we are only responsible for the problems we directly create. That is not how partnership works. In a relationship, both people are responsible for the emotional climate they share.

Ethan wants to be a positive force that contributes to happiness, even in situations he did not start. Instead of obsessing over whether he is responsible for A, B, or C, the better question is:

“How can I contribute to our healing right now?”

That is what truly matters. He wants more positive and productive conversations, where both people share responsibility and a concerted plan to grow.

November 20th, 2025 They don't communicate with disrespect

Ethan used to carry a quiet, building resentment toward Ali and it leaked out sideways. When he thought she disliked his clothing or style, he defended himself with a raised voice and sarcasm. He told himself he was just joking, but Ali experienced those moments as being repeatedly put down. Now he can see how those comments slowly eroded the safety and warmth between them.

When Ali asked him to stop, Ethan dug in. Part of him felt something like this in his mind, "If Ali can say she prefers that I get a different pair of glasses, why can I not keep my joking tone." He did not recognize how deeply his sarcasm and eye rolling were hurting her. They never really got to sit down and talk honestly about these moments or what they meant to each of them. Ethan was afraid that if he gave too much ground, he would lose respect and disappear in the relationship. Ali was growing more anxious that things were becoming impossible to save. Looking back, Ethan can see how often his humor came from fear and defensiveness, not from love.

If he ever had another chance, Ethan would still use humor, but differently. He would use it to soften hard moments, not to win and not to hide his own hurt. He would notice when a joke lands badly and repair in the moment instead of doubling down.

He has also learned that better communication starts with better listening. It is not about staying silent and waiting for a turn to talk. If Ali were sharing how frustrated she felt about her job, in the past Ethan might have jumped in with advice or told her she was overreacting. Now he understands how powerful it would have been to reflect back what he heard and check if he got it right. He might say, "So you are feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated there. Did I understand you." That alone could have helped her feel less alone.

When Ali told Ethan she felt disappointed after seeing him roll his eyes while she was teaching him tennis, he brushed it off. He thought he was being playful and she felt disrespected. Ethan now understands how common this mismatch is. One person believes they are being lighthearted while the other feels talked down to. In that moment he also secretly felt patronized by her instruction, so he smirked and rolled his eyes instead of saying so directly. None of that was helpful.

Today Ethan wishes he had responded differently. He would thank Ali for telling him about that specific moment, acknowledge that it hurt, and take responsibility. He might say, "I see why that felt disrespectful. I am sorry. I do not want you to feel that way with me." He has learned that the key is to communicate respectfully no matter what his partner says or does, instead of using her behavior as a reason to lower his own standards.

He also sees how fast things can snowball. If one person refuses to pause and de escalate, small hurts pile up into something that feels impossible to repair. One practice Ethan has committed to is stopping himself in the middle of a hard conversation and asking a simple question in his mind, "What is it like for Ali to hear this from me right now." Often the answer is that the other person is just as uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation as he is.

Ethan now holds himself to a simple internal standard he calls HUVA, which stands for Heard, Understood, Valued, and Added value. After an interaction he asks himself whether his partner is likely to have felt heard, understood, valued, and whether he has added value to what they shared. That might mean reflecting feelings instead of debating facts, noticing the courage it took for them to speak up, or gently seeing a strength in them that they cannot yet see in themselves.

He cannot change what happened between him and Ali. He can change how he shows up in every relationship that follows, with less defensiveness, more curiosity, and a deeper commitment to helping the people he loves feel safe, heard, and truly valued.

November 17th, 2025 Martyrs

Ethan is reading Chapter 4 of 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do today and something clicked for him. He realized that, in their relationship, Ali often had to abandon her own needs and put the relationship’s needs first. Ali was a kind woman. She made healthy sacrifices with joy at the beginning, but over time Ethan didn’t fully acknowledge or validate how much she was giving. He believed couples were meant to sacrifice for each other and he was happy to sacrifice himself, but he didn’t see clearly that Ali might have felt like she was carrying most of the load while her partner wasn’t doing enough.

Ethan wishes he could explore this more. He imagines Ali might have had thoughts like:

Unrealistic thought: “He will never change.”

More realistic thought: “Sometimes people can change, especially if I ask for what I need.”

Unrealistic thought: “I cannot tell him what I want, because he’ll only do it to save the relationship.”

More realistic thought: “I can still choose to be honest, give him a choice, and see over a trial period whether any change is real and sustainable.”

A powerful example from the book describes how many people say, “This is such a big mess, it’s going to take me all night to clean,” instead of simply saying, “Can you help me clean this up?” Ethan and Ali were not mind readers. Without clearly stating what the need was, both were left guessing what would actually help.

According to Andrea Bonior, the biggest predictor of success is whether the person holding the resentment can be vulnerable in talking about it. Ethan sees now how often Ali was carrying frustration and resentment. He, in turn, felt judged and helpless to change, which kept the cycle going. For things to improve, they would have needed to be truly motivated to talk openly and work on it together.

They would have had to ask: Are we really allowing the other person to try to make amends and make things more equitable? Because sometimes you cannot heal from anger or resentment if you feel your partner does not “get it,” does not understand your viewpoint, and does not validate it. When that happens, it can feel like you have every reason to be resentful and that the other person can never fully make up for it.

This reflection is Ethan’s attempt to understand Ali’s side more deeply, to own his part in it, and to learn how to show up differently in the future. He hopes he will have the chance to explore this with her directly.

November 16th, 2025 Dreams within a conflict

Once upon a time, Ethan and Ali, a couple in their thirties, were dating across the Bay. They carved out weekends for each other whenever they could. They loved each other deeply. Ali had been a traveling occupational therapist, and Ethan was a former surgeon now pouring himself into medical device and digital health startups.

The problem was, they had been dreaming very different dreams.

Ethan had always wanted to travel with someone he loved. He had already been to 194 out of 195 countries, mostly alone. Now that he had met Ali, he felt that all those solo journeys could finally turn into shared adventures. He imagined them capturing photos together all over the world. For the first time, it felt like he had found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Ali, in her own way, held a similar dream, but with a different center of gravity. She had traveled around the United States to be near nature. She grew up in a modest family and was always quietly afraid of being poor. Her dream was to have enough money to buy a large piece of land. Her parents had moved to Vermont for a generation, and she grew up in a home where she was loved and held. She imagined traveling through the great American landscapes with Ethan, but when she pictured a future home, it probably was not in California.

You can see the problem.

Most of the startups Ethan admired are built in the San Francisco Bay Area, and he had not yet “made it” in his career. How were they supposed to fit these dreams together? They were not opposites, but they rubbed against each other in painful ways. Ethan could not bear the idea of losing the relationship, yet they started fighting more often, about other things on the surface. Those arguments began to carry resentment and contempt in a way they never had before. They circled around the real issue but never quite dug down into it.

Ethan could have let Ali influence him more, and Ali could have done the same. A key question for him might have been: How do I help protect her path toward her dream? What are the obstacles, and how can I help remove them? We want to move with our partners, not against them. Because of how we are socialized and the messages we receive about masculinity and femininity from birth, many men struggle more with accepting influence than women do.

Ethan had been fighting that influence. Ali loved to camp, and Ethan hated the cold. When Ali shared her love of nature, he often came off as distant or dismissive, telling himself he needed to be strong and not easily persuaded. Deep down he wanted to say yes, but his insecurity got in the way. He did not want to give up power or control in that moment, so he became the rock Ali eventually learned to go around. In the end, that stance did not protect his power at all, it left him feeling powerless and without influence.

The crucial thing to remember is that there are many possible solutions to this kind of conflict. Ethan and Ali are teammates, not opponents. If he had the chance again, he might ask, What is truly best for us? How can Ali trust that he cares about her goals and dreams and will try to make them real? Rebuilding trust and commitment is possible at any point. It starts small: a casual conversation, open-ended questions, exploring each other’s dreams without judgment. Over time, those conversations can restore trust and a sense of partnership. Honoring both of their needs and dreams is not just idealistic, it is the only way forward if they are going to build a life together.

November 16th, 2025 Reflections

My dearest Ali,

It is almost your favorite time of the year, the holidays.

I have been thinking back to us, to how our laughter radiated rainbows, how easy it was to dream together, to the big hikes, and the way we complemented each other. It felt like every moment we had was quality time. I loved you when I met you. You tended to our garden and kept it well watered. With you, I had a rare sense of belonging. When you were at your wits' end, I still told myself we were perfectly fine. I am so sorry, I was a novice who had little idea how to take restorative action. Since then, I have been changing how I show up: I have read nineteen books (I am on my 20th) and I lead a weekly support group on healthy and effective communication as we navigate challenges in our dating lives. I looked for help, for someone with the wisdom and experience to look at my system. In the end, I think I found it in the many books I read. I know what to do now, even though progress is imperfect. I wish to share these lessons together. There is genuine hope. This work is making me kinder to everyone. Your example taught me more than any book, and I am practicing on a good trajectory. Thank you for everything you brought into my life. You drew so much curiosity and courage out of me.

When I was reading the love maps section in the Gottman books, I kept thinking of all of the questions I wish I had asked you. If you were to move, where would you really want to live? What else in your life was upsetting you? What felt missing, and could I help fill that space? What were you excited about lately? I see something in you when you sing. Your voice feels like a goddess's. Why didn't you want to sing more? Could you ever let me into that part of you?

I remember wondering if you would laugh if I called you “savior of the world” or “your grace,” and when you said you did not think I liked dogs, I secretly thought, “Is this her imagining a long future together? Should we get a dog soon? Then my insecurity jumped in and told me to hold back. I wondered if you wanted to go to Europe this year, what you want for our future kids, would they sleep in the same bed and steal all the sheets like me, how you felt about public versus private schools, about daycare, about having date nights with a babysitter at home. I wondered what subjects they might love and what core values we would want them to have. What would we pass on from each of us? I had so many questions for you. I wanted to talk to you forever. There was and still is so much more.

I am learning to move on now, and at the same time, a part of me will always hold a gentle space for you. With that door open, I still believe we could do it, Ali. And if we never get that chance, I truly wish the best for you. I want you to fall in love again. I want you to have joy with your children on a big piece of land, running through a field of flowers, with a kind man who knows his flowers better than I did. You helped me grow into the best version of myself I have known. Because of you, I will be a better partner, a better husband, and a better father someday.

I wish you a calm, happy season and big smiles. Thank you for what we had and for what you shared with me. No reply needed. I respect your space, your pace, and your peace. If it ever feels right to you to connect again, I'd like that.

November 14th, 2025 Financials

 

The total spend was about 4,800 USD for 5 days for 2 people, including round-trip flights between the islands.

If you assume flights were 600 USD per person (1,200 USD total), that leaves around 3,600 USD for the trip itself. So it works out to roughly 300–400 per person per day, including a few activities.

I’d say that’s a great deal.

November 26th, 2024 Singapore

7:15AM We arrived in Singapore and initially attempted to access the SATS Lounge but were turned away. Instead, we spent the next two hours relaxing at the Ambassador Lounge. 

10AM Victor came to pick us up. We had fish soup and laksa, then took a half-hour walk together. Victor dropped us off at the Botanic Gardens. We spent about two hours exploring before we took the train to Gardens by the Bay.

11:30 AM Victor dropped us off at the Singapore Botanic Gardens, where we spent two peaceful hours exploring the lush greenery and vibrant flora. We got completely soaked.

2PM We took the train to Gardens by the Bay to continue our adventure.

3PM Our first stop was the Flower Dome, where we marveled at the diverse array of blooms and beautifully landscaped displays. Ali loved it.

4PM Next, we toured the Cloud Forest, an enchanting experience filled with misty walkways, towering waterfalls, and stunning plant life. 

6:30 PM We strolled through Garden City before heading to Marina Bay Sands. Although access was being charged, I managed to sneak in and scout the area to ensure the path was clear before bringing Ali up to the top floor. Unfortunately, she didn’t enjoy the experience as much as I had hoped, so we decided to head back down after just a few minutes.

8:30 PM Our final stop in Singapore was the Jewel at Changi Airport, where we admired the stunning architecture and attractions. 

9PM We checked in for our flight and spent half an hour at the SATS Lounge, relaxing before boarding. 

10:20 PM Our 15-hour flight back to San Francisco departed, marking the end of our trip. 

9:45 PM We landed at SFO, but the Global Entry Office had already stopped interviews for the day at 8:30 PM. Ali arranged for a Lyft to her place, and from there, we drove home, concluding an unforgettable journey.

November 25th, 2024 Maamutaa, Maldives

6:00 AM We began the day with a yoga session at Sol Rising.

7:30 AM After yoga, we walked to Melange for breakfast. Once we finished, we returned to our villa to take some final photos. 

9AM We took a buggy to the Dive Center to pick up fins and a life jacket. Ali decided not to swim in the current leading to the sandbar, so instead, we visited Panorama Beach to capture drone photos. I swam out to the sandbar, but on the way back, I mishandled the wet bag, which caused my drone to overheat and emit smoke. It was toast.

11AM We returned to our villa, cleaned up, and began packing for departure. 

12:45 PM Although we had been granted a late checkout until 1:00 PM, I requested and was given an additional 20 minutes to wrap up. 

1:20 PM We left for the Junction to complete the checkout process and then walked to Melange for our last meal at the resort. I had a long conversation with the chef about the preparation of their omelets, savoring our final moments.

2:20 PM I stopped by Sol Rising to exchange some currency. A helpful worker called a friend who provided me with 5 Maldivian Rufiyaa. It took longer than expected, and I only returned to the Junction by 2:50 PM. I briefly chatted with the staff at the photo studio about CPL filters before heading back to Melange. However, Ali had already left for the Junction by the time I arrived. We boarded the speedboat shortly afterward, departing for another island, Kooddoo Island, which was just a 15-minute ride away.

4:30 PM We checked in at Kooddoo Island and continued our journey south before eventually heading north toward Malé.

7PM We arrived at Malé International Airport (MLE). Ali and I headed to the domestic lounge, where she rested on a couch while I wandered around. I found two Australian guests who had traveled with us from Pullman and invited them to join us back at the airport lounge.

9:45 PM We stayed together until it was time to pass through security. To my surprise, the Pullman representative remained with us right until we cleared security.

11:40 PM Our flight to Singapore departed, marking the end of our Maldivian adventure.

November 24th, 2024 Maamutaa, Maldives

3AM I woke up and spent the next two hours trying to fix the drone.

5:30 AM I checked the schedule and discovered that yoga had been canceled.

7:30 AM We went to breakfast, only to learn that the morning dive was also canceled due to the weather. At the Dive Center, the manager initially refused to schedule me for the afternoon dive, citing that no departure had been finalized. I explained that weather conditions can only delay flights. So the only possibility would be to be delayed after 5PM, making it impossible for me to have a flight within 24 hours of the dive. After some back and forth, the hotel manager confirmed my flight, allowing the Dive Center to accept me for the afternoon session.

10AM I managed to take some drone photos, but was asked to move to the end of the island to continue flying.

11AM I attended the Aqua Class and went to lunch at Souq Oven at 11:45AM. We stayed until 1:30 PM. Before heading out, I stopped by Melange to grab some desserts. 

2:30 PM I gathered my gear for the dive. 

2:45 PM Ali realized she needed my voucher, so I handed it to the driver before heading out.

4:30 PM I completed a one-hour Nitrox dive, enjoying the underwater experience.

5PM After returning from the dive, I joined Ali for dinner. We arrived at 6PM, but the restaurant wasn’t open until 6:30 PM. To pass the time, we took some photos at Saffron Affair before returning for dinner at 8PM. 

9PM We returned to our villa, winding down after a busy day.

November 23rd, 2024 Maamutaa, Maldives

4AM Ali woke me up, pulling me close for an intimate moment. She told me she loved me too—a beautiful, tender start to the day. 

6:30 AM I headed to a Boot Camp exercise class at Skillz, working out until 7:30 AM. Afterward, we took some photos at our villa, capturing memories before heading out for breakfast at 10AM.

11:00 AM We went for a photoshoot, enjoying the surroundings. By 1PM, we were back at Melange for lunch before returning to our villa to change.

2:30 PM We embarked on a snorkeling adventure at the house reef, where we were lucky enough to spot eagle rays, turtles, and an array of colorful fish. The experience was magical, and we returned to our villa by 3:30 PM.

8:30 PM Dinner was relaxing. Later, I attempted to photograph the Milky Way but wasn’t successful. Still, it was a peaceful and serene end to a great day.

November 22nd, 2024 Maamutaa, Maldives

8AM We started the day with breakfast at Sol Rising. I attempted to fly the drone, but rain began to fall, so we dashed to Melange for breakfast instead. After eating, I returned to the area near Sol Rising to try flying the drone again, but the remote control stopped working. 

12PM We had lunch at Melange and then visited the Dive Center to gather more information about snorkeling and other activities.

12:15PM We returned to snorkel near our over-the-water villa. Ali spotted a turtle, but unfortunately, I didn’t get to see it. 

3PM Ali decided to take a nap, but by 5:30 PM, I woke her up for tennis. She was too tired and wasn't happy to be woken up. The rain returned, cutting our plans short. Instead, we played a quick round of table tennis before heading out for a seafood dinner.

7PM We returned to our villa, as we relaxed and unwinded after an eventful day.

November 21st, 2024 Maamutaa, Maldives

6AM Ali woke up early to catch the breathtaking sunrise. 

8AM We took a leisurely walk to Melange for breakfast, enjoying the peaceful morning.

8:50AM After breakfast, we strolled over to Saffron Affair. Although it was closed, we explored the area and found a hammock, taking in the serene views. We then took complete tour of the island. 

9:25 AM We ended up at Romeo, Juliet, and the Panorama Beach, the far end of the island. Afterward, I stopped by the Dive Center to gather more information about activities. 

12PM We enjoyed a relaxing lunch back at Melange.

4PM I attended an abs class at Skills, getting in a quick workout.

7PM For dinner, we indulged in a delightful meal at Souq Oven.

9:20 PM We took a romantic evening walk to Sol Rising, soaking in the tranquil ambiance of the island at night.

9:30PM On L’Amour Bridge, I told Ali I loved her.

November 20th, 2024 Male, Maldives to Maamutaa, Maldives

9:20AM We arrived at Male Airport. Pullman staff met us and brought us to their lounge until our 12PM flight. After arriving at Kaadedhdhoo Airport, we took a one-hour boat ride and reached Pullman Maldives around 3PM.

3:30PM We checked into our room.

7PM We had dinner at Phat Chameleon, which was vegetarian. We went to bed after since we were exhausted.