Ethan still doesn’t fully understand why his therapist wouldn’t talk to Ali. Back then, it felt like the one door that could’ve helped them was never opened. Ethan wanted another chance because he genuinely felt good about the relationship, even when Ali didn’t. It’s hard for him to accept that he never got to explain his perspective in that space.
Ethan understands the boundary more now, even if it still hurts. A therapist’s job is to protect their client’s privacy and keep the room safe for them. If a partner gets involved, it usually has to be done in a clear, mutually agreed way, like couples therapy. What Ethan wanted was to be heard. What Ali may have needed was to feel safe and in control of her own process.
Looking back, Ethan can also see something he missed: a relationship can’t work if only one person feels steady and “met.” Ethan’s needs were often met. Ali’s weren’t. And Ethan sees now how impossible it is to expect a partner to automatically know every need and always fill it. If Ethan had the chance again, he wouldn’t just try harder. H would be curious earlier. He would ask, “When did you first feel this feeling?” Not to analyze Ali, but to understand her. Because when they understand where a reaction comes from, they can respond to the real thing underneath it instead of arguing about the surface situation.
The chapter hit two things that feel uncomfortably familiar for Ethan.
First: when someone feels their partner is distant or not really there. They reach out, but it somehow makes the distance worse. Ethan thinks he fell into that. When Ali asked for more reassurance or connection, Ethan tried to look strong and unaffected, like he didn’t need anything. He thought that was stability, but it may have read as “not present.”
Second: when someone feels like no matter what they do, it’s never enough. They start to feel overwhelmed by their partner’s emotional needs. Ethan relates to that too. When he didn’t know what would help, he would create distance to protect himself.
If Ethan could redo it, he would build closeness on purpose, regularly and not only when things were already breaking. Small check-ins, often. Small repairs when they missed each other. Ali used to say, “we talk a lot,” to mean they were a unit. Ethan understands that line differently now. He appreciates it more. He thinks it was Ali trying to keep them close.
